STAND STRONG
STAND STRONG
6.16 - The Why of Choosing Friends
Proverbs offers wisdom regarding companionship for all ages and all times. Join us as we discuss the impact of our friends and things we ought to consider when choosing our companions.
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Paul and Noah both preach and teach with the Cedar Park church of Christ in Cedar Park, TX. You can visit our site at: https://www.cedarparkchurchofchrist.org/
Well, good morning and welcome back to the Stan Strong podcast. I'm here with Paul and we are looking forward to episode 16 of the Proverbs project. And we're going to be talking today about the why of choosing friends. I'm, I'm really interested in discussing this topic because I think it's something that we generally relegate to Our young people, you know, we talk about in, in youth weekends and devotionals and that kind of thing. We talk about wisdom in, in choosing friends and why that's important and how it affects us. But I think, and I've experienced this in my own life. If we don't get this right as adults, it can cause us a lot of grief,
just as much grief. And in fact, I mean, the age is, there's no respecter. A persons when it comes to this topic, especially in regards to age.'cause we can do some foolish things in our older years just as well in our young years, in terms of choices that we make to partner with certain kind of people.
Noah:Yeah. Yep. That's very true. I think it's appropriate in this kind of a discussion especially in the context of the proverbs, to start with Proverbs 1824. which says one with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother. I think a lot of times we, we focus in on this idea of what it means to be closer than a brother. But the contrast that I think is so helpful to see in this verse, right from the get go is what we're talking about is The quality of our close companions, not the quantity of our close companions, right? Quantity is no guarantee of security of wisdom of the right kind of relationship, but a quality is something that we can look for. So I think that's a good place to start when we talk about, okay, why do we choose the close companions that we do? Let's talk about quality, right?
You know, when you're talking about quality, think about the Facebook friends, you know, somebody says I got over a thousand or thousands of friends. Well, how many of those supposed friends are going to tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear,
Noah:right?
So that's qual qual quality. Yeah, Proverbs 27 speaks to that. Proverbs 27, verse six, know a faithful are the wounds of a friend, deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. I mean, you want a real true friend who's got the courage to tell you again, what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. Right. And, you know, I'll be honest, I don't think I've ever met somebody who just enjoys being told that they're wrong. I
Noah:certainly don't.
And the natural tendency in a lot of us is to become very defensive when someone is correcting us, even in a constructive manner, and tells us, you know, you're wrong or you've got a blind spot. Well, the quantity The why of choosing friends. You need that person in your life. That's going to hold you accountable to the Lord and his wisdom in the word. And I get that sometimes we don't always want that, but we definitely need that.
Noah:Yes, very, very much. The case, you know really what we're talking about right off the bat is the influence that these people have. And I think sometimes we get turned around when we start talking about this because, excuse me because we think, we think, and I think with good motives, well, what about the people that need our influence? And that is a good mindset to have, but that's not what we're talking about here. What, what we're talking about is who are we going to allow to influence us? You know, the, the, the closest companions that we keep. people that we that will hold us accountable, that will be good influences on us. And then we can carry that into other relationships where perhaps we're the influence, we're the positive influence, but we, we don't want to get that turned around. We have to recognize that the people we walk with, we talk with, we spend time with most consistently. They're going to influence us. Proverbs 13 20 is a verse that speaks to that. The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm. It's, it's just elaborating on that principle. Excuse me again, that who we choose to spend our lives with. It's going to affect the destinations in our lives, you know, the different places we reach.
Yeah, that Proverbs 13 passage you read, it contains both a promise and a warning. And we need to see both that are in there. The promise is look, if you partner with the right kinds of people, the people that are interested in wisdom, especially God's wisdom, then the tendency is they're going to make you wise. They're good. They're going to keep you in a safe place. The warning, however, is if you hang out with, if you keep if you connect yourself to foolish people, they're going to destroy you. They're going to bring you harm. I read this years ago, Noah, and, and, and it's, It's very, it's a very probing statement that's not always appreciated or liked, but, but I like it. Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are. I've, I've read that before and said that before to people and it gets, it gets mixed reactions. I mean, there is, there is a segment in the room who hears, show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are. And they're, they start rolling their eyes like, really, are you serious? So if you're telling me I hang out with people that do drugs and curse all the time, then all of a sudden it's a guarantee I'm going to start doing drugs and cursing. I didn't say that. But the reason I think we struggle with the show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are is because we are prone to deceiving ourselves. And maybe that's why the first Corinthians 15 passage that we hear all the time, bad company corrupts good character. Maybe the Holy Spirit is telling us something. Do not be deceived right before he says bad company will corrupt good character because he knows what we sometimes try to convince ourselves it won't happen to me. We can be easily influenced.
Noah:Yes.
And there are two passages that go with that. You know, you talk about the wise becoming wise and the fool will only suffer harm. You'll become foolish. But in Proverbs 14 and verse 7, he says, stay away from foolish people because you'll not find knowledge on their lips. And then Proverbs 12 and verse 26, the righteous should choose his friends carefully. Why? Well, the way of the wicked can lead them astray. And so he's dealing with, he's dealing with foolish people, but he's also dealing with wicked people. And I want to say this, not every person who's foolish is wicked, right? But foolish people don't have knowledge on their lips. So you're going to do some stupid things that you never intended to do. It's not necessary. You become a wicked person because you do stupid things. And I've told this. And again, it's not just to the, to the audience of the young people, but sometimes it's not where you are or it's not what you do that gets you in trouble. It's who you're with. It's not what you do. It's who you're with. I remember years ago, I got a call late into the night by one of the members here they're not here anymore, but at Cedar park and they said, Hey, could you come over? And I got over there and found out that their teenage daughter had gotten arrested. The reason she was arrested in downtown and we made a trip there is because she didn't do anything wrong. But she was at the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time. And some of the people she was with in the neighborhood walking around at night were, were breaking into cars and stealing things out of cars. She didn't know it. She's a good person, but foolish people. cause foolish things to come into your life.
Noah:Right. Right. And that's, that's just kind of a, a general truism for life is who, who we surround ourselves are going to bring more of the same into our lives. You already referenced some of Proverbs 27, If if we continue through 27, and when we get to verse 17, there's the very well known verse, iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another. And that Is speaking to the positive influence that can be had if we are around other people who refine us and we can refine them. That's a positive relationship to have, but too often we find ourselves on the other end of the of the spectrum where instead we're around people that we kind of bring out the and each other. We kind of wear each other down, not refining one another to, to usefulness and to, and to maturity and wisdom, but rather we, yeah, we get along, but we're actually, we're kind of just making each other dull over the course of that time.
Yeah. Making each other dull. George Washington once said, associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. For it is better to be alone than in bad company and nobody wants to be alone. So we're not, we're not saying, well, you know, be alone. We're saying just the why behind choosing our friends is think carefully through your choices, because sometimes the people that you hang out with, the people that you make, your friends will take you in places and influence you in ways that you never really wanted to go, or you didn't want to become this type of person.
Noah:Yeah. There's a, There is a frightening potential that we don't even see it coming. That we, that we enter these relationships and we invest in these relationships and we don't even look ahead far enough to see where they're taking us and where we're going in that. And I think that that one thing that can help us with that is also understanding we're not just looking for people we get along with, but we're looking for people who are trustworthy and whose friendship is in, has an endurance to it. And who are going to offer, they're going to speak to us things that are wise and good. You know, when I think of trustworthy, when I think of the friends we choose out to people, be people that we can trust, it reminds me of Proverbs 20 Many a person proclaims his own loyalty. But who can find a trustworthy person? In other words, there's a lot of people that say, man, I'm, I'm with you to the end of the line, you know, we're going down together. But then when rubber meets the road and tough choices come up as far as, you know, the kinds of decisions we're going to make for our lives, here are the kinds of things we're going to include in our lives. Here's the kind of things we're going to cut out of our lives. And they go, You know, I think you've changed and they're gone. Yeah.
Yeah. They quickly desert you, especially at your time of need. They're not around. Remember earlier in this season, we did, I'm forgetting which one, but I knew it was earlier, Yeah. We did an an episode on I'm angry and I don't know why, and we dealt with some wisdom passages that have to do with angry and that sort of thing, or anger. In Proverbs 22, again, the why of choosing friends, Proverbs 22 verses 24 and 25, do not make friends with a hot temper. tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered. And here's his point, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. So sometimes, Oh, I'm angry and I don't know why. Maybe you have been friends with a hot tempered person. And after three, four, five, 10 years, you begin to think that their hot tempered nature is just normal or, you know, it's not a big deal. And then all of a sudden you take that into another relationship or now you're married and you bring that into your marriage and your wife or your husband is like not around here.
Noah:Right.
That's why I'm not, I'm not putting up with that here. And it looks normal when you're around other angry people. But then when you're around other people who try to control their spirit, they're like, Hey, that's not allowed here. That's toxic over here. You think what's the problem? I mean, I've been doing this for years. Well, it may be because you've partnered with people who are hot tempered.
Noah:Yes, that is an excellent point because I think sometimes we see all these warnings and we do think, Well, maybe I just need to be by myself, right? Like maybe I just need to separate from other people. And that's not the answer either. I mean, the wisdom literature is very clear about the benefit of good friends, but we also have to recognize what those friends bring into our lives and how that's going to spread to other areas of our lives. And maybe that's a good practical point to just sit on for just a moment here. We are influenced by our close friends, but for those of us who are in a stage of life where we have siblings our age that we spend a lot of time with, or if we are married, and maybe we have kids, Those people are going to be influences not just on us, but on those who are close to us, those who we bring into that same circle. And so, you know, as a father and as a husband, I am not just concerned with how is this person influencing me, not even just to the standpoint of how is their influence on me changing how I interact with my family, but more directly, how is that person influencing me? Interacting with my spouse and my kids. What are, what are my children learning from this person? Because they could be picking up things that I have a resistance to. I, I see and maybe my kids don't. And they're going to be picking up those things from a young age when I actually need to be stepping in and setting a barrier there. And that's a really challenging thing and that can be a really touchy subject, but when it comes to choosing friends, it's not just about us. It's about who is with us that's going to be influenced by those people.
Yeah. Amen. Since we're in the Proverbs, let's stay with the proverb.
Noah:Okay.
He who lies down with dogs. will rise up with fleas. Think about, think about the practicalities of that proverb. I mean, that's, the, the Lord doesn't say that. Or maybe he does in principle in a lot of places. He who lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas. Look, we, people rub off on us and people can rub us in good ways, but not so good ways. And look, it's, and like you said in the beginning, this is not just a message. This is not just wisdom for our kids and saying, Hey, be careful who you hang out with when they're in trouble. Right. Or when they leave and go to college and who their roommates are and you become, you take on some of the qualities of your roommates for good or for bad. But that's, that's something that follows us for the rest of our life. There are things in my mid fifties that I enjoy doing and I like because of who I've been around with for years.
Noah:Right.
And look, it's okay when it has to do with the kind of music I listen to. If it's good, there's music I listen to. I never thought I'd listened to before. And Hey, I've kind of developed a likeness, a taste for that same thing with foods, vacation spots, and some of those kinds of things, movies that I watch. But if you look at it on the other side, I mean, sometimes over years, we, we begin doing things and thinking in ways. I mean, again, it's about the influence. If you lie down with dogs and you wake up with fleas, how did I get the fleas on me? How did it rub off on me? Well, who you've been hanging out with.
Noah:Yeah. And this comes back to looking at the core qualities of the people that we're spending. All of our time with because it could be that you've got good companions With good hearts who want to do the right thing And y'all wake up 10 years down the road and you look back and you go Man, we've we've actually kind of in in some areas perhaps we've sharpened each other But in other areas we've actually been kind of dragging each other down And that's going to happen in a relationship, but if you have chosen companions who, who fear the Lord and who desire wisdom and righteousness and maturity, then you can have the conversation of, Hey, you know what? I think we can do better. And that's, that comes back to the idea of the, you know, the, the council, the, the council of friends even, or the, the criticism of friends. Let's see, I had a passage here. I think you referenced it. Faithful of the roots of a friend. Proverbs
27.
Noah:Yeah. Proverbs 27. Better, better and open reprimand. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy. The kisses of an enemy are excessive. If we can have the kind of relationships where those difficult So those less comfortable conversations can happen. What that ultimately leads to is, is growth and, and hopefully positively growth, not just toward one another, but toward God as well.
Yeah. I think about, you know, talk about the why I'm choosing friends. So, so the people that you partner with, look, intentionality is all over what we're talking about. I, because this is something that I can choose when this is the beautiful thing. Yeah. Is that, that we have, we have control in this. See, because I could, now, I, I know sometimes you're gonna want this person to be their friend and they're gonna reject you. Mm-Hmm. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about I can seek out a certain kind of person looking at their character and things that I know I, maybe I've got a weak area in my life, or I'm vulnerable in certain ways. Let me give you a real instance. I've known people who have said to me, look, I don't want to become the cynic. I don't want to become the person that just doubts all the time. Like everything, everything's dark and nothing's bright, you know, everything's gloomy, so it's not going to get any better. And you become an Eeyore and Eeyore doesn't need another Eeyore in their life. And so here's the beautiful thing. I can choose to partner with a person that I know, Hey, we'll hold me accountable. Look, I know you're, you're, you're, you're down in a pit right now. So I need to bring you out of the pit. So if I only have people in my life that are going to tell me what I want to hear, like, okay, yeah, you should, you should be cranky. You have every right to be cranky and cynical about this. No, I need a person in my life says, look, We can get through this or it's going to get better. Or not everybody here is terrible. I mean, there's some good people around, you know, not everybody's making foolish and dumb choices. There's really people. Here's the thing about preachers. Noah, I, some of the best advice I got years ago, and whether you're going to preach or not, it's just, if you're going to set yourself up as a leader, you've got to choose somebody. Intentionally to partner with and to make sure that they are not going to coddle you. And attend every pity party that you want to have. They're going to say, look, okay, yeah, it's, it stings. It's pretty bad. You can vent for one day. And then after that, we're going to get up and we're going to move forward and control what we can control. You can't stay in this place forever.
Noah:Yeah.
That makes sense.
Noah:Absolutely.
And that's the why I'm choosing friends. I mean, there's so much in the wisdom literature where God's trying to set us up to succeed. that helps our outlook on life that affects our attitudes that absolutely shapes our character and conduct.
Noah:Yes. And these relationships are meant to be like you're describing complimentary and complimentary does not mean it in total agreement, a hundred percent of the time with no issues ever. It means that we are working towards the same goal and we're able to help one another. And again, that comes back to that idea of sharpening, or we could go to Ecclesiastes four and the image of, you know, One man falls, another one, his companion can lift him up, that kind of a thing. The idea is we're all trying to serve God. We're all trying to bring Him glory. We're all trying to learn how to be more like Jesus. And if we can keep that kind of a mindset and that kind of a heart, then we're going to be picking companions with that same goal. And we're going to, we don't have to be exactly the same to be complementary in that. Right.
You know, I want to, I want to mention this. Especially as somebody that's already raised kids. And I know we said in the beginning that this is not just for young people, but let me, let me kind of jump out of that and talk to the young people from, from Proverbs. One reason, the why of choosing your friends carefully. So young people, kids who are at home who have parents listen to what I'm about to say, or listen to what Proverbs Solomon is about to say. You want to choose your. Friends, carefully, because you don't want to bring grief, shame, and heartache to your parents. Proverbs 28 in verse seven, the one who keeps the law is a son with understanding. Those who seek out worthless companions bring shame to their parents. And that's a real thing. The parents that are dealing with grief and headache and heartache because of choices that their kids make as the result of who they've been hanging out with and running around. I mean, I have known parents that have said that, you know, they get calls and you know, this is officer. So, and so, you know, your, your son or your daughter is downtown again, or, you know, you got fired from the job. Again, or some of those things and it has to do with the people that are around and there's there's unnecessary grief that comes to parents because their kids are making poor choices in relationships to who their friends are.
Noah:Yeah. Yeah. There's something about, and, and even though we said at the beginning, this isn't targeted at, at only at young people, even though sometimes we do that, we also recognize that there's a period of our lives in, in the late teen years and then into the early to mid twenties where there are a lot of decisions and a lot of changes going on. And I can say looking back at that time in my life, that some of the best decisions I made were because of the people I was friends with. And some of the worst decisions I made were because of the people I was friends with. And so our companions, our friends have the power. to make or break some very critical decisions in a, in a very key turning point of our lives that 10 years from 15 to 25. There's a lot going on in there. That doesn't go away, like we've talked about earlier in the episode. But knowing that our, our companions have the power to make or break those decisions and to heavily influence those, that ought to give us a moment to pause and say, okay, I need to make sure I understand the why. Yeah.
Psalm 119, verse 63, jumping out of the Proverbs, but we can't go without mentioning this when we're talking about friendships and especially the why of our choices. Psalm 119, verse 63, I'm a friend to all who fear you, O God, to all who follow your precepts. And that's, that's what we're looking for. People that fear and follow after God, they're determined to have this kind of heart, this kind of character, this kind of mindset. And again, we all make. foolish choices at different times in our life. Will we own those choices and learn from our mistakes and come out the other side better? Which means, okay, I can't partner with you. I've got to break this off. I need to partner with someone else. And that this is a doable thing. This is a thing that we have control over. Yeah. And Solomon has given us wisdom to try to protect us and bring the best out of us and the best quality of life for us in this life.
Noah:Yeah, absolutely. Well, on that note, I think we should go ahead and wrap up our discussion on the why of choosing friends. I really enjoyed that, but I'm also looking forward. To next week, Paul, where are we going?
This is going to be the last episode in season six. We talked about at some point, an ending point where we're there. So next week, Noah is going to be the last episode in season six. We haven't been in Proverbs 31. How do you go through Proverbs and call it a project and not talk about chapter 31? The ladies are like, Oh yes, finally, finally. So Lord willing next week, the Proverbs 31 woman.
Noah:Excellent. Well, oh, well, there's a pun already. Excellent. An excellent woman who can find, we'll be talking about that next week, and I'm sure it's going to be a beneficial discussion for us. Looking forward to that. And so I'm so appreciative that we get to do this together, Paul, and I'm appreciative of all who take the time to listen our prayers that this benefits you and your walk with Christ. And we pray that as we continue to walk with Christ, we can stand strong.
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