8.15 - Paul's Message for Husbands

The Apostle Paul says that the one-flesh union of marriage is an image of Christ and the Church. Before he reveals that, however, he gives instructions to men and women regarding their roles as husbands and wives. Join us as we now consider his instructions for husbands.

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Paul and Noah both preach and teach with the Cedar Park church of Christ in Cedar Park, TX. You can visit our site at: https://www.cedarparkchurchofchrist.org/

Transcript

Paul: 0:30

Well, happy Monday morning. Again, to those who are tuning in, especially to the group probably that we had Noah tuned into us last week when we really looked at the wives in Ephesians chapter five, and that's what happens. Yeah. When you get two preachers in the room and they're going through a text, they think, well, we can do this. We can get the husband and wives in one podcast so that you can listen to 1 20 25 minute podcast and get both sides. A man and the woman and a husband and wife. That didn't happen for those that know that and listened last week. So today is gonna happen. Thank the Lord for a new week. That's right. And another day in our stands strong podcast, we're going through Ephesians. We're in chapter five, our calling and our conduct. And Noah, we go, we want to deal with the husbands. We want to look at the husbands today in Ephesians chapter five.

Noah: 1:20

Yes, we do. We didn't get to them last week and I, I will say, you know, last week I was talking some. About how it's it's helpful to be able to go seek wisdom from more experienced people. And I will say that before we recorded last week's episode, I was the one saying, I think we can probably get through the husbands and the wives in one episode. And if I recall correctly, Paul's words were something along the lines of, we'll see. Yes, we'll see. So experience pays off. Experience definitely pays off. Since we're looking at the husbands, I think it's good like we did last week. To just go ahead and read the verses that are directly addressed to the husbands. And and we'll, we'll just read through the end of chapter five because that includes kind of that, that hinging verse of verse 32, where Paul kind of drops the bomb of, I'm saying this refers to Christ in the church. Mm-hmm. And then the summary, what I would call the summary verse in verse 33. That kind of summarizes the whole section. So beginning in Ephesians five, verse 25, again, I'll be reading from the ESV this week. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy. And without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. I'll tell you what, as a husband I think I said something along these lines last week. This is one of the most intimidating passages in all of scripture. When, when I consider the responsibility that Paul is placing on the shoulders of any man who has entered. The marriage relationship.

Paul: 3:37

Right.

Noah: 3:37

It ought to be, I, I'm, I'm gonna say this upfront because I think it's important for us to recognize the burden is not one to be shrugged off. This is not something to be downplayed. This is something to be understood and accepted and embraced. Mm-hmm. This is a huge responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. And, and trying to act as if it's not. Will only get us into trouble, right?

Paul: 4:03

Yeah. And a hundred percent guys none of us are gonna measure up to Ephesians chapter five, but we need to be thankful that the Lord's gonna help us to fulfill Ephesians chapter five. Guys, we cannot do this in our own strength and don't even try to do this. So again, we're talking about. People who are filled with the spirit, influenced by the spirit. Mm-hmm. Guys, the directive is, okay, Lord, how do you wanna lead me in this? You know, how do you want to grow me to be this kind of man? And, and I've said this before, Noah, I can't remember where I got it from, so it's, it's not original with me. But success in marriage is more than just about finding the right person. It's about being the right person.

Noah: 4:45

Yeah.

Paul: 4:45

And so what, what, who is the man designed to be? Who did God say This man is to become in this relationship, married to this woman. Yeah. And he says, you're the head of your wife as Christ is the head of the church. His body. You're in a position of rule. Yeah, rule like Christ rules lead like Christ led. That's, that's important.

Noah: 5:08

And love, like Christ loved Absolutely. Is the, is the explicit, you know, instruction that Paul gives here is to love is Christ loved, which is gonna, is, is, is really setting the, the foundation upon which we lead upon, which we take on the role of, of. Headship is through this idea of loving as Christ loved, and it's it, to make that connection even more clear. You know, last episode we talked about how there's this idea of submitting to one another in verse 21 out of reverence for Christ. Mm-hmm. Well, then you get to the husbands who have been told that they're the heads and then they're told the love. And you might think, oh, well submission is not a part of that. Well, Christ submitted to. Pain he submitted to sacrifice, he submitted to, to suffering because he loved. Mm-hmm. And so this love that's being described is that, that we're called to live out. It is out of reverence for Christ because we are imitating him in his sacrificial servant. Love and no, I'm not saying for any ladies that are listening, I'm not saying that's what marriage feels like to a guy is, it just feels like constantly, you know, on the path to crucifixion. That is not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that's the level of sacrifice that this kind of love requires.

Paul: 6:36

Right? Right. Guys, the, we've been put in this position, the Lord put us in this position. He didn't say, well, I, I, I'm, I'm gonna, if, if you're smarter than your wife or if, if you're better equipped in this area than your wife, or you had an advantage like you were raised in a wonderful, godly home and you got to see this in your father, and so that, that puts you in a better position to lead the way Christ led the sacrifice to serve to love this way. No, he just says, you're male. And because you're male, you are in this position of headship, right? You are to take the lead, and some men don't take the lead because they don't want it,

Noah: 7:22

right?

Paul: 7:23

Some men take the lead and give it a try for a while, and then they're like, yeah, but my wife is so much better at it. I'll just, I'll just give it to her. So she didn't take it from me. I gave it to her. We agreed together. It's, well, the we is not a part of this. It's the Lord. Right. It's not our wisdom, it's not our thoughts. What does the Lord say? And he says, okay guys, this is your role.

Noah: 7:45

Yeah, exactly. And it is not ours. Once we have taken on the role of husband, it is not ours to give it back up.

Paul: 7:52

No, no.

Noah: 7:54

That that's, it's no, that's no longer our, right now our responsibility is to lead as Christ leads to love as Christ loves to walk in his footsteps in relation to our wife. And it's interesting that really Paul goes on, I, you know, a little explaining type of paragraph here before he even really gets to talking more about the husband. He says, love your wives as Christ love the church. And then he just starts talking about. The way that Christ loved the church, right? Which obviously has application to us as husbands, but what he's talking about is this is what he did. This was Christ's goal. And I recently heard a man who had been married for many, many years, and then his wife had passed away. You know, they'd been married for I think close to 40 years. Then his wife had passed away talking about these verses, and that was, that was a perspective change for me because think about a man and his perspective, reading these words about how Christ treated the church, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. Now if that's what Christ, that's, that's what Christ's goal was for the church, was to be able to present the church back to himself without blemish. And the implication from Paul's argument is, your responsibility as husbands is to love in the same way. What is our relationship to our wives when it comes to presenting her back to Christ? Man, when I heard a man. Who has gone through that to the very end. He's already, he's done, he can't do anymore. And when he says something along the lines of, I remember holding her hand and saying, honey, you're ready.

Paul: 10:02

Yeah.

Noah: 10:04

I wept Because the weight of that responsibility, men, the weight of that responsibility should be felt. It is a privilege, it's a responsibility. It is the highest calling to love in that way, to know that we're presenting our wives back to Christ.

Paul: 10:22

Mm-hmm. Man, that's beautiful. That's a beautiful picture. The love of purity. A love of protection. It's, it's interesting though, in this, you know, he, he's telling us how to lead as he tells us how to love.

Noah: 10:36

Mm-hmm.

Paul: 10:37

He's telling us how to lead. As he tells us how to love.

Noah: 10:40

Mm.

Paul: 10:41

So he first tells us our position of headship,

Noah: 10:47

right?

Paul: 10:48

And then he tells us if you'll love this way. And that's, that's powerful to me. That is powerful to me. So it's not the way you saw your father love your mother and I had a great example. Mm-hmm. But it's how Christ loved the church and this issue, why I said he, he tells us first about we're the leader, and then he says, now, now love, learn to love this way. That sets us up to lead, that sets us up in a place, in a position where the wife. Will want to honor us, will want to submit herself to our rule. Why? Because the, the way that Christ loved the church he gave himself, he died, he gave his life. When did he do it? And so you, you think of all these things, Christ took the initiative. When we were undeserving. Yeah.'cause it was what we needed, not what we deserved. Christ took the initiative, he made the first move. And I can say, not because I'm not married to a wonderful woman, but there aren't any, look, we're gonna all make mistakes. Right. And my wife would tell you she's made hers and I've made more. But here's the point. It's like we said and we hit the women. I was pretty tough on the women about this. This submission and this respect is not well, he deserves it or it's no, no condition. This is what you do. So men, you lead this way and you love this way, and you take the first initiative. And I can tell you it's hard when you feel like that you've been in the right and she's been in the wrong. She hasn't been submitting and hasn't been showing you respect the last thing that you want to do, but that's your flesh taking over. It's not the spirit. It's not being filled with the spirit and led by the spirit. It's just being controlled by the flesh that says, Hey, tell you what. I'll just let her sit in silence for a few days. I'll let her find out really what, how, how good she's got it. I'll just stop doing what I've been doing.

Noah: 12:56

Yeah,

Paul: 12:57

man, that's the flesh. It's just the flesh. Christ didn't love that way. Yeah. And he never led that way. His love, like you said, was one of purity and protection. How do we love our own bodies? Right? He mentions that in verse 28, right? In verse 33, and then he adds to it this Noah, when he says, we, we love our wives the way we love our own bodies. He uses terms the new King James has nourished and cherish. Mm-hmm.

Noah: 13:20

Man,

Paul: 13:21

those are rich terms.

Noah: 13:22

Those are, and what the evocative image that they bring to my mind is when someone is ill. And they need, they need care and comfort. Not, not just the regular everyday kind of things, but the, they need to be watched over and they need to be specifically, you know, like I am, I'm going to bring you food and I'm gonna help you eat it. You think of, you know, spooning, you think, I think of my children maybe spooning chicken soup into their mouth or something like that. Mm-hmm. And cherished closely, closely watched for the sake of. Of improvement of, for the sake of, of improved health, I should say. Right. When I think of Nourish and Cherish, I think of that kind of an of an instance. And so when it comes to, we could even think of our own bodies, how when we start to feel ill, how quickly will we go, okay, well I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Get rest here and I'm gonna take this medicine and I'm going to eat this food so that I can start to feel better. Well, he's saying if you're willing to do all of that for yourself, how much more, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually should you be watching out for the welfare of your wife and, and taking care of her in that way. And that's a part of love. That's, maybe, this is one way to put it, that's a part of leadership. Mm-hmm. Because it's a part of love. Yeah.

Paul: 14:50

Oh, like that. I'm filing that away. I'm filing that away. I really like it. So, if you remember, Noah, I, I said this last week as we were talking about the women, I said, ladies, our number one need, and some may argue it and say, that's not number two, number one. Well, it's at least number two. But, and that is to be honored and respected,

Noah: 15:13

right?

Paul: 15:14

I mean, our egos as men are so fragile, and I'm, I'm, I'm the man in the room saying that we're just fragile. We're, our egos can be fragile. Our number one need is to be honored and respected. Okay, guys, number one need in women, most women are there exceptions to this. There'll be somebody out there that will be sure, but most of the time. Women's number one need is security. So I said to the ladies, you hold the key to your husband's heart. I'm gonna, men, I'm gonna say we hold the key to our wife's heart when, when we are the Ephesians five or are growing to become. This is for the rest of your life as long as you're married thing. And that just, that's a good thing. It, it, it, there's, there's points in your life where you begin to see. And she sees, man, my husband's growing and he's maturing and he's learning from his mistakes. And he's, he's, he's tempering himself. He's trying to be more like Christ. He's, he's, he's a better leader now than he was five years ago. He's a better husband now than he was a year ago and a better father. Here it is, man. We hold the key to our wive's heart. Her number one need is security. If we are selfless. Sacrificial servants, benevolent rulers in our home. Our wife will be so attracted to us. I have talked to enough ladies. I've done enough reading of books reputable surveys, research groups that are doing this to support the number one need of a woman is security. They, they've actually done a study of this, Noah, most women said when they're most attracted to their husband. Is when he's doing domestic housework. He's doing things with the kids like in the backyard, playing with the kids after he's had a long day at work and he came home at five or six o'clock and he is tired and he's stressed out, and the kids met him at the front door. He changed his clothes, he went right back in the backyard and he's playing with the kids. Or he had a hard week Monday through Friday. He took the kids to the park in a picnic. She can tell he's putting the, the family in a place and the kids in a place of high priority. And when women see that in their husband, he's doing dishes, he's vacuuming the room and all that, they're so attracted to that. And these are women that are saying this. Yeah. Guys, I'm setting us up. I'm setting us up. You, you, you want a good marriage and you want the, the, the night of your dreams. With your wife when the kids are tucked away, and that's how it's, this is Ephesians five. Now, I'm not saying do it for that reason,

Noah: 17:57

right.

Paul: 17:57

I'm saying do it because the Lord says, this is my counsel wisdom, but he's telling us what'll work

Noah: 18:02

right now. It's interesting. I, I wanna make the connection from what you're saying here to Ephesians chapter five, a little bit more explicit because, you know, we might look at Ephesians chapter five and say, well, what Paul says is love, right? It, it doesn't say men. Give your wives security like Christ gave the church security, but even as I say that, it starts to click right? I hope so. Where, oh, wait a second. This, you, we could go all over the New Testament. We could go to you know, like Paul saying, I have no confidence in the flesh. Well, that, why is that?'cause he has confidence in his citizenship in heaven through Christ. Or we could go to his letter to the Romans about how there's no condemnation in Christ. Why? Because nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Romans chapter eight. The love of Christ is what gives us security as people who believe in him, who have faith in him, who trust in him. The only reason we feel secure and confident is because he loves us. And so, yes, when we think security in the 21st century world, we might think, oh financial security. Or we might think, oh, you know, he would jump in front of a bullet for me, or he would, you know, if there was a home invader, he would protect me. Well, yeah, those are all types of security and I think that they're meaningful and valuable. But the examples that you gave a minute ago, Paul about, about helping out in areas where she feels overburdened at home or clearly placing a priority on her and the children and how we spend our time. Those are demonstrations of love that offer a deep sense of security. So I, I just want us, I don't want us walking away thinking, well, Paul said security, but if Paul said to Paul's here, Cedar Park, Paul said security, but Apostle Paul said, love, recognize what love gives. It gives security.

Paul: 20:09

Yes, absolutely. The first Corinthians 14 13. With that love. I, i love this. There, there's a, I've offered this to people. The movie Love the, the little book, the the Love Dare. You can, you can go on that journey. It's, it's really good. I've gotten this from it. You, you cannot change your spouse as much as you may want to. You cannot play God. But here's what you can do. You can become a wise farmer. A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. Crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit, but he can plant the seed into fertile soil. He can give it water, proper nutrients. He can protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Have you ever wondered? He asked, have you ever wondered why you have overwhelming insight into your spouse's faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it's for effective kneeling. Hmm. No one knows how to pray better for your mate than you do. And one of the most loving things you can do is pray for them. And here's his point. I love this. So turn your complaints into prayers. Mm-hmm. That fits for the men or the women. And again, what has Paul been pressing here? Walk worthy of the calling.

Noah: 21:49

Mm-hmm.

Paul: 21:50

Walk in love. Well, imitators of God are gonna walk in love. How has Christ. Yeah. God in Christ first love, then walk as children of light. Well, what does that look like? Goodness, righteousness and truth. Apply those three things. Men, as a leader, how do you love your wife? But the bigger question, no, I think than how, as it pertains to Ephesians five, how we love is the question, why are you loving her this way?

Noah: 22:14

Yeah.

Paul: 22:16

And I had somebody ask me that question years ago. And it stung when they asked because it's, it, it it, it's producing self-examination and it makes you look at your motives.

Noah: 22:31

Yeah.

Paul: 22:32

And you don't realize, I didn't realize how sometimes while the, while the action was right, the motive was wrong.

Noah: 22:39

Yeah.

Paul: 22:40

And self was getting into the motives.

Noah: 22:43

Yeah.

Paul: 22:44

And it won't last long.

Noah: 22:45

No, no. This is an audio only podcast. But if there was a video right now that y'all were watching, you would see me sweating because I would, all of what Paul has been saying over the past couple of minutes, I mean, that, that hits home really hard for me. And I find extremely challenging. So I encourage you that if you're feeling a little uncomfortable right now, because the things that Paul is saying is making you uncomfortable I would encourage you to embrace that, and I'm gonna try to do that as well. I'm gonna try to embrace the un the discomfort and recognize that that discomfort can lead to improvement, not not just external improvement in my marriage, but improvement in my motivation and my. And my actions inside, inside my marriage, and ultimately where all of this drives to in Ephesians chapter five, is that this marriage relationship is an image of Christ and the church. And that could be an entire discussion on its own, you know?

Paul: 23:43

And, and I do, I absolutely love the way Paul was setting them up. Well, the Lord knew what he was doing. He used the relationship, he used the marriage, and he, he was so concise. But yet so deep in what he said and then he says, oh, by the way, this is Christ in the church. Think about that. What? What a difference it would make in Cedar Park Church. What a difference it would make in every church if you just took some of these things and then just turned it back on its head and said, let's talk about Christ in the church for a little bit.

Noah: 24:14

Yeah.

Paul: 24:15

I mean, think about some of the things we've hit submission and we've hit selflessness and we've hit respect and we've, we've hit love that's demonstrated in this way and in that way, and in that way and, and this, this mutual trust that exists in the relationship that produces faithfulness. Mm-hmm. I mean, there's not have been a day and 32 years in my marriage. Where I have not trusted Amy.

Noah: 24:42

Yeah.

Paul: 24:42

In terms of, you know, is there someone else, is there something else, you know, that, that, that faithfulness mm-hmm. Christ in the church is, is there faithfulness in me?

Noah: 24:52

Yeah.

Paul: 24:52

Because Christ is faithful always Right. Am I

Noah: 24:57

right? I'm, that's an excellent introspective question. He says that in the context of a man leaving his father and holding fast to his wife and the two becoming one flesh. That. And then he says, this mystery is profound and it refers to Christ in the church. The other thing is that Christ from his position of authority and leadership, invites us into unity with him. Mm-hmm. He invites us to be united with him. What an offer, what a what a call what a demonstration of love. And that gets back to your question, what, what is our response to that going to be? And not, I don't just mean, are we going to say yes and get baptized or not? What is our response, our life long response to that demonstration of perfect love. And I think only we can individually answer the question of whether or not we're responding to his love the way that the church is intended to respond to that love.

Paul: 25:56

Yeah. I love what you said. Yep. You called it perfect love. And yes, when you're talking about the love of God in Christ, Jesus Christ who humbled himself and proved his loyalty to the Father and proved his love for us by death on the cross, and look, that's perfect love. How can it be that you, my God, would die from me? There's your song, and I told you I'm a song guy and you, you think about that. And how many times when we go through the marriage that we're tempted, whether husband or wife, to read something and hear something and say, yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but we, we can't, and we should do that with the Lord Jesus. We can't say. Yeah, look, I'd, I'd, I'd be more faithful to him and I would honor him and I would submit to his leadership and rule in my life and I, and I'd give him much more honor and respect if he wasn't such a cruel, abusive kinda lord.

Noah: 26:57

Hmm.

Paul: 26:58

Oh, you know, or, you know, if, if, if he'd have done more. If he'd have done more to earn my respect, you know, trust is earned. And if he had just done more then, then I would trust him. He hasn't done enough for me to trust him. We, we can't say that. Mm-hmm. We can't say that. I think that's the key to marriage being what it ought to be. It is me being who I ought to be, and it first is about my covenant with God. Yeah, marriage is covenant, but it's first about my covenant with God, and if my covenant with God in Christ Jesus is growing the way it ought to grow, that means that's I'm my part in the covenant, not God's. My part is growth and maturity. Right? If that's where it ought to be, then think about the kind of husband. Think about what God can do in my life and in my heart through his spirit.

Noah: 27:51

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I think we have once again run up on time. It's amazing how just a few verses can, can be so rich and can lead to so much good discussion. I know I've benefited from it. And if you're listening with us today, I pray that you've benefited at least half as much as I have because I, it's been a really good, really good day for me. In this and getting to sit and discuss this with, with Paul. So thank you for joining us as we work our way through Ephesians next week. Lord willing, we'll begin chapter six. We'll continue talking about. Relationships in the household that that continues to be the theme.

Paul: 28:28

Yeah. Moms and dads. That might be a, you know, an after dinner time or something. We're gonna get to talk to the kiddos. Yeah,

Noah: 28:34

a

Paul: 28:34

little bit. Because the word talks to kids and the kids' relationship to their parents and how important that is. So moms and dads be thinking about that. Lord willing, a week from today. Get the kids around the dinner table.

Noah: 28:48

Yep. Yep. So we look forward to being back together for this next week, and until then we pray that you and your marriages and in your family will continue to stand strong.